Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize