I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
