just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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