you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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