im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
