I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
