so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
