he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize