every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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