Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
