a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
