my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
