Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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