apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
