i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
