I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
