Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
