You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
