You don't have asthma, your pregnant
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
