Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
