Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She is in my trunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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