even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
