I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Randomize
