Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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