Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize