you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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