My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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