Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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