I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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