I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
tell me about the eggs
Randomize