Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
two words...techno handjob
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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