rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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