I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
