burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
