You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
