I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
