so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
