the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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