i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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