What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
