So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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