Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
