u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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