Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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