Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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