You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
