Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
