i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
