2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
