I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
