I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My life is pants optional.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
