Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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