I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
