I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
