Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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