mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
