you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
