I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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