now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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