i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
