I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
