don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
