I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
