i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
