yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
