I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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