I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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