She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
