I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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