You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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