Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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