Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize